pentowater.blog

04/07/25

Day 2 of the 5am residency.

10.49am.

I came across a document just now that I wrote after a man in the underground asked for my number without ceremony and then accused me of being judgemental of him when I waited for him to walk on. 

I don’t remember if I was drunk or not when I wrote it. It’s kind of poetic but also not something I would ever show anyone.

I woke up today at 6.45am which is to say I woke up. Pleased with myself I rolled over and woke again at 10am.

When my son is here, a gentle wake up was never an option because I was drinking 6 beers a night and crashing out with exhaustion ready for the school run the next day. Blearily ready – not fighting fit for it.

I’m slowly packing the house down as the landlord wants to sell the property and gave a few months notice to be fair to him, which I ignored. But we are talking about moving a whole family (yes it’s still a family when there are just 2 of you) away to an unknown when my son goes to the local school and all his friends live in a mile radius.

I am asset rich (which is to say I own a flat) but cash poor. 

I am looking for more work but I don’t want to work a full time desk job. I want to work part time and float around musing and reading and working out and looking at things. I don’t want to make the most money of every hour that I can.

If I could teach yoga 9-5 I probably wouldn’t want to do that either. The hours being spread out make more sense to me, I would just like to be a bit more in control of them.

‘Finding Your Voice’  was a course I was keen to go on, and I’m wondering if that could be part of this programme. We are still in early development of what this is – and the main purposes of this residency are:

1. It’s a free, hotdesking, laptop in lap, residency state of mind piece of writing

DING!!!!!!!!! An idea has landed in your LapTop!

• Create a meditation which serves as a residency state of mind. So as with a guided meditation – it is a guided meditation taking you to a place in your mind where you can freely create. 
• One for relaxation
• One for sitting and actually making something

2.   The perimeters are still to be set. 

3. This beginning garbled stage is like writing a proposal for a dissertation. The development stage is notes and thoughts and inklings of ideas, until something more solid is formed.

4. Instead of having to be next to a palm tree, can we make that view and that palm tree so vivid that it mimics the sensation of having a clear open view to the ocean.

5. Drawing from my experience of leading meditations, can we use the hammock as part of it?

Hypnosis? Yoga Nidra? Yoga Mind book

I’ve got about 7 minutes left here so I think stream of consciousness is a good way to go.

I’m spending the biggest part of my brain regulating my emotions. Because my son has been removed from me by social services for the 2nd time because of incidents where I’ve been too drunk to take care of him properly. If i  had any family, no matter how useless, he would be with them and this would be a battle of the wills with the family. They would be taking the flack, and I guess I would be in debt to them, emotionally and spiritually. 

A person who had a mum and a dad, a sibling, and a few aunties and cousins here and there, if they were in my position, being drunk picking Son up from school I feel would be a major problem in the sense that it is just self indulgent drinking without the thought of consequence when the network is there to provide.

What is not understood by the services and court, is that there is not another soul who supports my family. I have friends, and they are kind and have tried to help.

The invisible labour of always asking for favours is not seen.